For God So Loved The World...

Early Morning Bicycling in the German Alps (c) Solveig Caroline 2015

... that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

You don't know me as a religious blogger, or friend of bible study. I don't mind it, have read the whole thing myself more than once, but have never been one to go to weekly Sunday meetings - to be perfectly honest, I used to be scared by people who made this a regular commitment! In fact, I've quite clearly stated my view of institutionalized religion, science and spirituality before (3 years ago to the day, to be exact!!!). Yet, here I am, quoting John 3:16.

As it stands, some of the best days I've ever had in this lifetime are firmly linked to a dear friend of mine who quotes the bible over and over (sometimes ad nauseam, admittedly, but I have decided to view it as a loveable quirk of his). He's REALLY into that stuff. And not shy to let you know. My only salvation in his presence is to quickly turn the topic around into something that I feel comfortable discussing, too. Thus far, it's worked quite well.

Growing up under the strict influence of convent school for girls, I have an innate drive toward freedom. So, I normally avoid everything overtly religious. But I also know enough about humanity to recognize when the bible or anything remotely religious CAN serve purely as a means for self-encouragement (with the right mindset and focus, of course!). After all, these things ARE tried and tested. They've been around for a long time. And people have been falling back on them in troves.

I don't need to be paying church taxes or tithing or donating on Kiva to know the symbolic and ritual powers inherent in things that have been repeated by millions as mantras for long stretches of time, with a certain intent: namely that of inspiring love and hope. The intent to find the strength in oneself to keep going.

To me, bible quotes are just the same as Reiki symbols: little helpers that have assisted millions of people over centuries to keep their faith in the greater power, and with that, in universal love.

Did you ever examine the vedic deities (Shiva, Shakti, Saraswati, Ganesha, Lakshmi etc.) in depth? Without prejudice, and with a fully open and receptive mind? -- Well, I certainly wasn't planning on doing that, but my yoga teacher training course kind of forced me to, back in 2011.

It was one of those OM-ing, chanting, tea-drinking, Ayurvedic cooking and hugging kinds of ashrams that I had signed up with. I'm not trying to ridicule my Sivananda lineage, but it appeared a bit over the top to me when I started (it still does, to be perfectly honest, even after I'd embraced it for a while). I'm definitely not into "DOING YOGI" or "DOING SPIRITUAL" - when the point of this whole school of life is becoming and "BEING." But I digress...

2011: Finance professional that I was, I was hugely skeptical, but also knew instinctively that I needed something softer and very different from P/Es, rate of return calculations, stock market commentary and trading systems to "shock" my system out of the acute overwhelm and disconnect that I'd been experiencing for a few years prior to signing up for yoga teacher training.

Meaning, I was acutely and painfully aware that I needed a very open mind and a new perspective that challenged everything I had known to be true until then. In retrospect, my understanding is that I needed to overshoot in the other direction to balance out the hard-numbers and performance-driven "religion"  that I'd been following to a T in my career life ever since starting my MBA studies at one of the top private b-schools in Germany in 2005.

Once I'd decided that I wanted that 2-year yoga teacher training that met at night, once a week for 3.5 hours (or more if I decided to stay for a very late dinner and conversation with fellow yogis), and 6 full weekends each year, the hiding began. Remember, I was working as a fund manager on the fast track to a brilliant career at a global asset management company at the time. Most of my co-workers/superiors didn't appear to care much for the softer aspects of life, or fully understand my need to balance work, physical & mental healing and spiritual explorations. Or maybe they were just as afraid as I to admit these needs of their own in the work-place. Still, it was something I had understood to be of great importance to my personal healing, and thus for my future ability to excel at my corporate job.

You think I was caught between a rock and a hard place there? - Indeed.

So, every Tuesday night at 6 pm, I'd drop everything in the office "for my advanced yoga class," go to the bathroom, quickly change into yoga clothes, get on my bike and ride down one of the most toxic roads in the red light district of Frankfurt, Germany, to get from my workplace to my yoga center. I'd check the troubles of my work day at the door (and again, mentally, in the meditation session that we always had to start all 30+ of us off into an evening of exploring "the alternative"). Sometimes I'd have time to chat over a cup of yogi tea with my soul-searching peers, sometimes it was just enough to drop my bags and fill up my water bottle before settling cross-legged on my burgundy-colored yoga-pillow, wrapping a creme-colored throw around me and trying to regain control of my breathing before we all fell quiet.

Boy, was I in resistance to sitting quietly after having spent a day behind my desk at work! And how I detested the theoretical portions of my Tuesday nights. I really only came to life again in the practical segments. The meditation and breathing exercises at the start helped. But what I really came for where the asanas that started around 9pm. The slow stretches. The deep breathing. The actual reconnection to my body. Feeling muscles that I hadn't known existed at all or that I hadn't properly used in years. Reactivating dormant strength. Slowly and consciously releasing muscular and energetic blockages that I wasn't consciously able to pinpoint during my work days, but painfully aware of because - well, my body was IN PAIN. These asana sessions were always like coming home. And well worth the agony of sitting through the theoretical aspects of the night. Every single time. Now I am aware that as an empath with a high energetic activation, I wasn't only feeling my own resistance - I was feeling the resistance of every single person in the room!

Anyway, back to the deities that I'd meet every Tuesday night, in philosophic texts, mantras and prayers. At first, my entire being revolted. I had a hard time even singing the texts to the beautifully oriental melodies of the harmonium.  One of those nights, something clicked. I found a way to reinterpret the situation - not as one of worshipping something outside of myself, but as one of activating diverse aspects of myself by addressing them via the mantras. That's when I finally understood bhakti yoga, as its devotional aspects appeared alongside the physical asanas, the meditation and the pranayama, as well as the karma and kriya yoga in the practice and teaching of my Sivananda yoga center.

Not everything is what it looks to be at first glance. Sometimes - in my life - most times, actually, I need to look at least twice, and then shift a bit inside of myself to find the gold nugget in whatever it is I'm experiencing. And I often have to challenge myself to keep looking and digging before I find what I need. Having things served on a silver platter is for beginners... I find a lot of satisfaction in being persistent and coming out stronger and healthier against all odds.

I KNOW I can rely on my intuition. When I'm drawn to something - anything, really, at this level - there is some treasure for me hidden in the situation. EVEN if it's a situation that looks painful, or turns out painful in the short term. I have NEVER remained stuck in a bad place, and ALWAYS come out on the other side. Sometimes it took walking away from the fight and creative solutions to sustain myself physically, sometimes it took some backtracking, sometimes it took apologies, or other remedial action. Sometimes it took ending relationships, and freeing myself up for the next lesson at the University of Life. Whatever it was - I have done it. Including almost killing myself (subconsciously), and at the gate to heaven deciding that I love this life in this body of mine so very much that I'll do anything required to keep this body forever AND make this the happiest life I can. No matter how hard the transformation or how long it takes. That near-death-experience gave me full faith in always having God's support, and in my own power and ability to persevere.

Just as the opening bible quote said "... that whoever believes in him (and him/herself!) shall not perish but have eternal life." All the hardship are lessons. Experiences to be made. Once - or as often as needed until we've integrated the lesson fully. Not over and over. Except the ones we consciously choose to. Let those be the happiest ones we found on our respective journeys!

Because in the end, EVERYTHING is a choice. Every being walking on this planet has made the choice to come here, and chosen to reincarnate over and over. It is my understanding that humans have the capacity to choose eternal life in the physical. It's for the experienced, old souls, and you'll know if it is for you or not in this lifetime. The power of immortality lies in the small choices of everyday life, the choices we make every moment - I'm even tempted to say the choices we make with every breath and every single thought we allow in our beautiful and immensely powerful minds. But more on that in other posts and my book.

With love and gratitude,